Sorry for the mess. Am trying to change stuff here.:)
thought out by marianah at 6:13 AM
Just a simple hello today.
Trying to absorb myself in adding new stuff to the blog.
Will say hello again soon
thought out by marianah at 4:45 AM
Eat my hatred. Eat myself up. Puke at your words. Spit my tastebuds. Fuck your guts out. Scream my brains. Hurt my toes. Slash my forehead. Kiss my ass. Cut my jaw.
Get the fuck out.
Get the fuck out of me.
thought out by marianah at 3:42 AM
I just wish I can HATE you sometimes.
thought out by marianah at 3:38 AM
::The Chain Smoker::
I guess all I've been doing today is poisoning myself. I couldn't stop smoking today. I regretted buying that pack, Irene and me had a long lunch break, just sitting at that sunny humid coffee shop chatting. Link left earlier for an editing seminar.
I don't know why but my feelings are rather sucky nowadays. I tend to get paranoid...shit, hope I'm not becoming like....I won't say it. But it's pretty scary how I walk through my life these days. Like I don't have a destination. And Irene mention about this Brazilian writer who wrote this book called 'Veronica Decides To Die'. She said that the writer tried to show that suicidal people do not necessarily be depressed or hurt or anything like that. They sometimes have ideal lives we all dream about.
The only reason:- They don't find any purpose in life anymore.
So what's my purpose then? I really don't know...
thought out by marianah at 2:28 AM
Hey Hida
Yeah girl, my phone is actually alright. It's just yesterday I switched it off. It was my off day and so my phone gets a day off too. Just do not need for uneccessary calls from the office,u know what I mean. Spent the whole day to myself, not that bad at all.
You take care ya, we will all meet up soon. :)
thought out by marianah at 1:54 AM
::That Tori Atmosphere, Everybody else's Girl::
I wrote Link's scholarship's letter to the Arts Fund. He wanted to take up Film Literature and has already been accepted...
I feel sorry for him. I promised to write a good one. I pray they'll help him out.
He wrote down the points for me to elaborate,
*accepted by Beijing Film Academy
*half year course in Film Literature
*loves to write, film tv or anything
*poor, no money to pay fees...blah blah blah
Hmm...good ones. Anyway, I still managed to write him a decent letter which he liked a lot.
Irene came down to lend me her Tori Amos cd. She said she heard me listening to Fiona Apple, and thought I would like some Tori Amos. I loved every track of it. Thanks Irene. In return, I gave her the url for the Beat Generation Page that she was interested in getting to know.
'She's been everybody else's girl,
Maybe one day she'll be her own.."
Boy, don't I feel like that!
thought out by marianah at 9:14 PM
::The Bird Poo::
Yesterday sucks.
I went out with Feizha at 7, knowing that I'll be coming back to the office to finish dubbing and packaging the 600 tapes.
I was having PMS, and had not been eating well. My ciggarettes were stale, and my head throbbed.
I'm broke.
When I was walking back to then office around 9pm, a fucking bird with diarrhoea shat on my hair. I was almost in tears. So we stopped my a cheap store to grab a towel and small bottle of shampoo.
When I reached the office I was alone. I washed and scrubbed my hair, and sweared endlessly. I locked all the doors, went into the editing suite and tried to dub. No audio on first deck.
Was near to tears.
Started to remember about some creepy stories Feizha told me earlier. Scared myself shit.
Was even nearer to tears.
Left the deck to cool down for a while(maybe it overheated). Meddled around with the cables, packed some tapes.
Messaged Imran non stop to keep myself in touch.
Deck still doesn't work. Scared and freaked out. Crying. Imran stopped messaging. Maybe is already asleep. Went downstairs to surf for a while. Did little things to comfort self.
Called mum. She said there's no food at home, so I got to grab something for myself. My handphone is almost dead, and all sorts of ideas about dying alone without anyone knowing freaked me out even more.
Suddenly my phone rang. I jumped away from my horrid imaginations.
"Open the door, Mar. I'm outside." It was Imran, with his wind breaker and helmet standing outside in all his sincerity.
Of course, I knew then I won't die alone there. He put me to sleep and went ahead fixing the rest of the dubbing, and by the time I woke up it was almost 2am and was time to go home.
My day ended well, but one thing's for sure, I really hate birds for now.
thought out by marianah at 1:32 AM
::The Search of The Blue Balloons::
Had so much fun with Farah and Ravin on Saturday. Was supposed to go for the audition but at the last minutes decided not to. So had the usual laksa, and the fun started. It was tiring nevertheless, but we were inspired so much by the events that followed.
Ravin had to search for balloons. How many? No idea. But the only specifics - blue, and the holding sticks. It was hillarious. We were walking around town saying shit like "Ok, thats not important alright. What's more important now are the balloons." My legs were aching at the end of the day, but it was worth every minute of it. It actually took us a couple of hours just to find blue-only balloons.
And Ravin, don't get so mad... remember if it's not because of your mum's request for those helium-filled rubber, we wouldn't had came up with that brilliant idea.
Brilliant.
'Party Bandits' perhaps? :)
thought out by marianah at 3:22 AM
THAT FLOWER WATCH
Meeting Ravin today. Will be seeing Ah Seng as well.
Hope I'll feel better. Have to try to feel better.
Me and Im had another dispute yesterday night. I'm upset. I am wrong, I admit. But he was wrong, too.I can't imagine something so small if turned upside down can knock you really hard. At the same time, I was moved beyond anything.
He bought me a watch, which I suspected was because he just had a pay raise. But I didn't know he got me that. It was supposed to be a surprise sort of thing. But there was a pretty long story behind that purchase of that watch.
Its a really lovely looking watch. Purple, with flowers of pale pink and orange. Something he knew that I would typically loved to wear. A good choice. An almost perfect one. But before I got it, my boss handed me watch from Beijing Film Academy. It was plain and really lady-like. It was a gift nevertheless. I appreciate it. I saw disappointment in Im's eyes when I got the watch but I couldn't tell what. So I started saying that I don't actually like wearing watches and stuff, thinking that he might be sort of a little jealous of the situation.
But then, as we were browing through Bugis, we stopped at the watch section, and he was looking at this particular watch. Purple, with pale pink and orange flowers. It was a nice one, and a friend of mine had the exact same thing. It wasn't the fact that the watch wasn't pretty or lovely, -it is, but the fact that I've seen it before worn by someone else. So I went saying about how my friend has it, and diverted my attention to another bright red one, saying that the red one was really cool. If only I knew he had bought me that flower watch I would have kept my mouth shut, but then again how was I supposed to know...because I simply don't. Again, he seemed really disappointed and I don't know why...
But I know. All because he wanted to give me a little surprise. It wasn't just about the watch, but the whole thought behind it and what he must be feeling when I got another gift of the same kind, and what I said about his gift before I knew it was what he wanted to give me.
I am so sorry. I am so very sorry. But Im, you got me a really lovely thing to wrap my wrist around with, and now that it's given with all that thoughts and troubled feelings, I appreciate it even more.
You'll see wearing it everyday.
And for that, I say thank you. Really thank you.
thought out by marianah at 8:07 PM
I miss doing stupid useless things. But I guess I had my share the other day. Me and Im sat at Suntec fountain getting cheap thrills from our handphones. It was silly, but we laughed till our faces wrinkked. We were messing around with the voice tag feature, and having a hillarious time changing our names.
See, this is all we need. A few hours of laughter and you'll remember it for a long time to come.
You bust your ass off working day and night, and do you cherish it the way you cherish a few moments of laughter? I doubt so.
Had a short chat with Audrey just now. Her job sucks as well. I guess she's going through more than me. Gosh, I forgot to give her our its-all-gonna-be-okay hug, which we have been giving each other for years now.
Why is this phase of early twenties such a difficult one? My folks (or anyone as old) has this weird perception of people of my age are still out having a blast and a time of their lives outside. A life surrounded by happy, colorful, loud people, and times are spent just for the sake of fun. But it isn't like that at all. I find myself appreciating so much the brief times that are spent with friends nowadays, and I clutch to that memories so tightly just so it serves as a comfort in my daily chores.
I think I'm growing old too fast. Or rather prematurely.
thought out by marianah at 10:26 PM
I guess I'm losing my job pretty soon.
Cos the airlines do not require our services anymore.
Damn, I don't seem to have luck with jobs do I?
You know what...now I'm really thinking Thailand. The land of Tom Yam, galanga, lemon chicken and yes, cheap stuff. Read: really thinking..
I just read a reply from Kel to Farah, and honestly..I'm kinda mad. Kel, you are so full of yourself. I'm sorry to say this, but if you really give a shit about things, then like Farah said - sit down and think about your actions. I mean really think about it. Don't just fire aimlessly just to defend yourself, to make you feel safe. We all grow up Kel and have problems, some even much worse than this, but did you know about them? Did you bother? Or are you just too caught up with your own paranoia? And how long more are you gonna make those pills your best friend? Aren't you too old for such fads?
Argh..I better get my ass back to work and stop thinking about it. It's no use. Goin round and round in circles just to knock some sense into people.
thought out by marianah at 8:21 PM